Crispy’s version of Australian history

Hey if howard wants to have history classes again i reckon he should include this.

“kids, let me tell you a story about a big, wide land called Australia. it used to be empty. well, the aboriginals lived on it and had their customs and values and land management, but they weren’t called “people” back then. anyway, england had too many prisoners, so they sent a bunch to sydney. they killed lots of aboriginals and used alcohol for currency.

then different groups of english people started arriving and starting cities so the french, who they were fighting on and off at the time, couldn’t get there first like they did in canada. most of the people died because they had no idea how to work, so they brought in irishmen, italians and anyone else to do the work they didn’t want to do. someone found gold, so there was a lot of work to be done trying to get rich. back then, australia was a dictatorship, and people who disagreed with the government could be killed. but a bunch of irishmen, italians and other people doing work said “we’ve had enough” and that was the eureka stockade. most of them died, but as a result of these new unions, victoria became a parliamentary democracy. then the colonies decided that after years of letting chinese, afghans and anyone else into the country, this should be stopped. so they banned non white people from coming to australia.

then australians thought “let’s get together and federate!” so by an act of the british parliament, after a rigged referendum, australia became a “commonwealth”. no, that’s not the same as the commonwealth games. this established a federal government in canberra, whose first act of parliament passed was the Immigration Restriction Act 1901.

then we fought several wars for grand old england, and were so busy in europe that when the japanese finally did attack us, we almost weren’t ready. so by another act of the british parliament, we got our defence and foreign affairs back from the british. about 20 years later, while fighting another war for a different colonial master, some people (most of the country actually) thought “this is wrong”, and within five years, we had free university education, aboriginals had rights to not be taken from their families and beaten up by churches, non whites were finally allowed back in, and national health care was established so everyone could afford to see a doctor.

but the rich and powerful people didn’t like that, so they got the prime minister fired by a governor general and a high court judge, clearly representatives of australian democracy, and got rid of national health care. somewhere in there, we also did deals with the indonesian military so they could take over papua and east timor and we’d turn a blind eye. then there was the 80s. so much money was splashing around that noone quite knew what to do with it. so instead of fixing australia, they gave it to corrupt businessmen who ended up in jail.

then in 1992 – yes, after most of you were born – a group of white judges figured out that we actually had stolen the country from the aboriginals and owed them something in return. our prime minister got it almost sorted out but got howled out of office by the rich and powerful, who tried to reverse it, undid free education, destroyed the national health care system and introduced mutual obligation which means “we’ll exclude you from any meaningful work or from getting an education, and we’ll make you work anyway.” they locked refugees who’d risked everything to come here in detention camps, and helped their colonial masters once again in another war of oppression against third world people who are clearly inferior to us, and limited our freedoms and told us this was protection against terrorists. meanwhile they set about banning the very unions without which australia would not be a democracy. yes, that’s the australian way.”

But after reading that i dont think howard would like that it doesnt paint a very good picture and confronts head on the stuff he has avoided ever since 1996 that he would NEVER have in history classes.

Yours truly



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